To Him

I know I was just a second choice, your best friend left you, so you needed me, just so you wouldn’t feel empty. I know I should feel the same way, I don’t even like percy jackson or the avengers, I don’t care about game of thrones and i don’t mind the fact that some little man died in a book. I am not interested in any of your favorite things, and neither are you. You might like a little bit of rolling stones or the beatles, but you don’t care if Zayn left one direction and you don’t dream about going to Disney World all the time. The thing is, I am extremely interested in you and I might run away from you every time you start talking about that, but I loved being the person you’d come to to talk about your sexual desires and the weirdest, dirtiest stuff that could pop in your mind.

I am still waiting for the night I’ll find someone to eat pasta with me, and I know you’re still looking for someone to fuck you on the beach, but two weeks ago I thought you were the one, and you cared about wishing me a good mourning and a good night every day. Right now I feel like, with the same zodiac sign, we might just not be good together, at least not as good as everyone said we’d be.

I can assure you that I have hardly ever felt as in need of a boyfriend as I am now, but I am certain that it is just not you. Every time I saw you, I’d get butterflies and smile, and you’d come to me, and we’d talk and laugh. Every time I see you, I get a weird feeling of emptiness inside me and look down, and you just stare at me for a while, but then you look away as quickly as I start wondering where did I lose you. Where did you find out about my worst bits, how can you know that I am not half as cheerful as anyone else? What did I say, what did I do, how are you? You don’t care about my days, you never cared about the guy I was deeply in love with.

The best thing I could get from you was an amazing friend, not you, but your friend who helped me get over you, but now all I can think is, why can’t I fall in love with him or anyone? Why can’t my other friends, as you know I am afraid of falling for people I don’t know for at least 6 months,  be as charming, as compatible, as loose as you are? You are not perfect and I always knew that, I’d always say how I liked you solely because of your politeness, you’re not the best looking, nor the most charming, nor the most intelligent, but you are you, and I stupidly fell for that bullshit.

I used to fall in love with one after the other, remember? I had crushes for the week, but a month and half liking you has sucked away all my love, it’s over. I’ve tried past crushes, I’ve tried l being free, but you’re still in my mind. I don’t get the happy, crazy parts of love, now I’m just dependent and empty. I don’t want you, but every time you remind me of your great existence, I feel like I’ve been craving you this whole time, you’re a drug, but you don’t make me feel any good, but now I’m already addicted

It’s like you were just trying me, seeing how far I could go, when the drug dealer gives you crack as a little gift for you to try and then gives you something that tastes good, but now the price is too high and I just can’t afford any drugs, but I’m still in need of it, I need you to breathe, but it’s just making me get worse every second.