Don't Let This Be A Happy New Year.

        Here’s to a new year. New year, new me. The way you spend your new year’s eve determines how you’ll spend the rest of the year. After graduation, all the world as we know changes, and that is the only thing that’s certain about it. I didn’t do well in my tests, I didn’t get into the university I wanted, so this year I’ll be doing a prep course.

We spend all this time dreading the fact that we’re in love with someone who doesn’t love us back, but that must definitely feel better than having absolutely nobody in mind. No friends to talk to, no one to talk or think about, nothing to look forward to except trips and plans. Sometimes I feel like I just try to keep myself busy so I won’t about my lack of things to think about.

I’ve always been an over thinker, like anxiety inducing overthinking and maybe I am overthinking the lack of thoughts in my fucking head. Don’t get me wrong, I love the feeling of being one hundred percent chill, but that is not me. I hate being quiet, I hate having absolutely no struggles in life. It may sound stupid or frivolous, but this just makes me feel silly.

I heard some people complaining their crushes didn’t wish them happy new year. Plenty of people wished me a good new year, I just said “thanks, you too”, guys try to reach and I just keep answering in the most evasive way possible, because Im tired of what I’ve got. I don’t want to stay in my parents house, I might not even want to go to university. I just feel like cutting short to working and fighting and stressing.

I want to be stressed, I want to cry, I want to have emotions that are not simply hormonal. I need bigger problems than my mom fighting with me. Some people might like the life of a middle class white girl from private school and oh boy I wish I were one of those. It may seem pretty in theory, but I’m latin, not white, I didn’t pay for my private school and it was worse than a public one, but I still get judged over every single bit of me and my identity.

I need more Nina Simone, I need bigger fights, I want to go out and do crap. Carnival is only in February and even then I’ll still be on vacation. I want to study I want to be stressed and sleep deprived, maybe so my dad would stop telling me how I need to make an effort this year, because he knows I never needed to do so it at school.

My once best friend and her boyfriend - who I liked for two years before they got together - threaten me via my other friend who I know since I was 1 for fuck’s sake how can I not be worried.

Given that, what I am trying to say is here’s to a new year that is not as mundane a good life. Let’s hope we all have some to cry and yell about because is what I’m missing: passion.