Freak.

So what am I supposed to say now?

Hi, my name is Barbara and I freaked out because I didn’t want to feel as if I was my boyfriend’s woman.

This is how it goes, he got drunk

His friend helped me take care of him

Actually

I helped his friend take care of this grown ass man lying on the ground 

I didn’t like it

At all

I didn’t like knowing that if it were with me, he’d be there too but I’d feel so different and hear different things

I’ve been reading a lot these days

Too much

I’ve been reading feminist books that have been telling me truths I knew, 

but did not want to hear. 

Somehow, I feel ashamed of reading these books in front of him even though I think 

That’s exactly why I’m reading the fucking book.

He got drunk I didn’t know what to do so I called my dad

The male figure has been so impregnated in my brain that he was the only person I could think of. 

My dad saved me and my poor drunken boyfriend from a public hospital into my warm home. 

And while I washed my boyfriend and tried to make peace with all that was left of my integrity

I felt like a housewife from the 1930’s

Even worse than that, I felt like Stella

There is another metaphor in português but the search for an analogy has lead me to an even better one. 

You know, Stella from Marlon Brando? I don’t know the name of the movie.

Stella loved her husband even though he beat her and shit

My boyfriend does not beat me and he is a wonderful guy

but to realize that he is a man and, like any men, he will be that guy, 

That was a punch in my stomach

a slap in the face

my heart was intact but my mind was black and blue with the violence that masculinity represents.

I love him, but I freaked

I freaked because i didn’t want to be stuck with some man

Men never treated me the way women did

Because women were mean and men liked my tits

So, will I never be able to fully trust a man

Or is it just that I’m so scared of commitment that I never dreamed of being in one

I was never a little girl to plan her wedding yet here I am doing it and 

I don’t know why I want this.