universe.

I saw a picture of you a few days ago, the caption was about you and your birthday, I didn’t like it, I thought it was silly, cliche, too forced, so alternative that you, the three of you, have become try hards. That does not mean I don’t miss you, that doesn’t eliminate all the late nights we spent talking about boys and me doing your makeup and how we like the same bands.

I miss having good friends and I’m happy that you are good friends for each other, but I don’t even want to be part of this, I just wanted to be part of what is gone. That me is gone, just like those you’s are gone and that environment is gone.

Last night I went to another friend of ours’ party, you weren’t invited, we were a huge group that could never be parted, now I only talk daily to five of those and of them doesn’t talk to the other four and all of them would rather live their lives in a different way.

I hope you are happy, although you don’t really seem like it at school, no one looks happy, I am definitely not the happiest I could be. It feels like everyone is just living someone else’s life. I am pretending to be a good student and normal and quiet, when in reality I just feel uninspired.

Some people say it gets better when you graduate and go to university, where you’d meet people with similar interests, but I don’t want to depend on the outside to change my insides. Sometimes I feel like the problem is that I haven’t been to Disney for a long time, but it was last year and I got worse when I got back because I had to face all this bullshit that has been spread all over my world.

My world, I might be talking to you about those people, but it’s really just about me, everything in my mind is about me, just like how everything in your mind is about you. All this shit is not all around us, it’s inside me and I don’t know how to get rid of so much fucking bullshit and hatred and no, it is not your fault because you look at me like I’m inferior and no, it is not because I can’t have the clothes I want. 

My whole world has turned to shit because I cannot find a way to want what I have. I look for new people, I try to find new looks because I am not happy with anything that’s around me right now. I am not in love with the guy I’m in love with, but I try to be because that was the best I could find right now. I don’t like my best friends because they are just not my kind of people but they must be better than nothing so I try.

I try so hard to keep living with you but the truth is I am just trying to create new you’s all around me and relive everything that we’ve lived when, in reality, I should understand that without my best friends here, I need to find a new life, I’ve changed and everything has changed, but I just cant accept it because it is hard enough to accept the fact that, by the end of this year, our whole lives will inevitably change because we will fucking graduate and I don’t know how to live without waking up at six am everyday and getting back home for lunch and homework.

So what now? Do I delete all my social media and try to disconnect from the world for a while so I can just restart? Do I keep on talking about all this crap but now to real people and then hurt them like I have already hurt the only ones who stuck around because I am just so unhappy that I have become a toxic person? Do I give up and just ignore everything around me at least until the end of vacation and then I just start a brand new life, all alone.

I know I love to be alone, but I hate to be seen alone because I am so afraid of making people uncomfortable with my misery when I shouldn’t even be miserable anyway. I want to feel lonely, just so I can do whatever I want without thinking that I might hurt someone because no one would stand be around me anyway and I like that, but how can I suddenly disconnect from this whole world I’ve created when I am such a communicative person and I just love to talk to other people?

I don’t know what to do, but from now on I’ll just try and seize these twenty days that I’ve still got to be away from all these people that I’ve turned into toxic friendships. Just like that movie, 500 days of summer or whatever, It’ll be 20 days of just me and that is just amazing.